Amy Goodhew
Feeling confused? Don’t know how to proceed? Fight or flight impulses warring? Don’t panic. When you listen to the wisdom of those who have been there before, there’s a piece of good advice for every day of the week.
As a grown up now, my daydreams are no longer of being a knight but of being the sort of person who can handle herself; someone who is calm and warm but you wouldn’t want to mess with. NOT the kind who weeps in office toilets or goes home and consumes inappropriate quantities of cheese in situations of stress (distinct and separate to eating vast quantities of cheese out of sheer greed).
I dream about that because now I’m older I’ve seen more of what life can dish out and been in situations where I’ve felt emotionally battered and beaten but am yet to find a situation that calls for skills with a lance.
After the initial shock of finding oneself in an unpleasant situation, the questioning sets in... What did I do to deserve this? Where did I go wrong? How can I leave the house ever again? And most importantly—what do I do now?
Where do you turn for wisdom when things get hard?
When you’re feeling a little lost, it can be comforting to know others have felt what you’re feeling and found their way out of it. That smarter people than you have then left some verbal ‘bread crumbs’ to lead you out of the woods.
Good advice 1.
Sun Tzu in The Art of War says: “To fight and conquer in all your battles is not supreme excellence; supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy's resistance without fighting.”
People tend to opt for extremes in situations of stress, usually ‘let’s take this outside’ or ‘squeep!’ as they cut a hasty retreat. Sun Tzu, the Eastern master of warfare says that the best thing you can possibly do is eliminate the need to fight in the first place.
Well. This is easier said than done. Sometimes I get really angry. REALLY angry at what I see as bad behaviour without an excuse. But there is advice about this as well.
Good advice 2.
Jesus said, “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” (Matthew 6:14-15)
Plato said something similar, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle".
Ok. I’m not the only one who’s struggling and if I expect other people to be kind to me and forgive me when I mess up, I should try it out on them first. Again, reasonable.
But what about the much-vaunted concept of ‘closure’: how am I supposed to achieve that?
Good advice 3 and/or 4.
Buddha said, “Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without".
That sounds a little like apathy. If you’re a fiery, hot-blooded sort of person, fighting for what is right and good can give your life purpose. Others have agreed.
“I am not only a pacifist but a militant pacifist. I am willing to fight for peace. Nothing will end war unless the people themselves refuse to go to war,” said Albert Einstein. Meanwhile, Benjamin Disraeli opined that “action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action".
So there are circumstances in which fighting back could be justifiable. Noble even. The circumstances just need to be carefully assessed. Will this be a simple matter?
Good advice 5.
“Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power,” said that very wise person, Anonymous.
Reinhold Nieburh suggests a prayer, “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
So time and practise seem to be key.
Good advice 6.
Perhaps most poetical and useful, Ecclesiastes (chapter 3:1–8) advises us to be patient, your time will come around again. The trick is in keeping your eyes open enough to tell the difference between each season.
For everything there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace.
And one more piece of wisdom…
From James M. Barrie: “Those who bring sunshine into the lives of others, cannot keep it from themselves.”
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written by Phillip , October 27, 2009
Beautiful piece, Amy! Just beautiful. The world and this nation could learn so much from articles such as these. Thankyou. I had a busy, but nonetheless great day, and my evening's equally so, thanks to this article, Thankyou so much. Richest of blessings.
written by Sean , November 01, 2009
Interesting that you include the armour of God, and advice about finding peace within yourself in the same article. Part of the armour is described 'and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace (Ephesians 6:15).' Earlier in the same letter, Paul says about Jesus "He Himself is our peace (2:14)." Paul also continually shares benedictions, always talking about grace and peace from God.
You also reminded me of something C.S. Lewis said in Mere Christianity: "If Christianity only means one more bit of good advice, then Christianity is of no importance."
Good advice has it's place, it is good advice after all. But I reckon the lessons we learn in Sunday school are pretty hard to top, even for absolute brain masters like Mr. Tzu or Plato.
Maybe it's possible to use the good advice without discarding the armour.
Peace.
written by Paul Smith , November 16, 2009
Yes Sean, using good advice without discarding the armour seems to be consistent with the theme for November - recognising the need to fight in the right circumstances. I'm a little bit worried, however, by a possible implication in your previous assertion that "...the lessons of Sunday school are pretty hard to top, even for absolute brain masters like Mr. Tzu or Palto."
Is there, in the use of the phrase "brain masters" and even the title "Mr.", the suggestion that these are men of merely rational insight, who couldn't possibly offer anything of value to we Christians? Surely not, but in view of the fact that it can be read that way I offer the following comment.
Whether or not there is merit in non-Christian wisdom (which this website seems clearly to affirm), one thing is self evident: what is learned at Sunday school is not sufficient for mature functioning as an adult. "When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. ..." Sunday school is not the place for complex considerations of comparative religion. And adult life is no place for prejudice - the milk of childhood nourishment gone sour.
There is great joy to be had, however, when the milk of childhood nourishment matures into healthy yoghurt or cheese by addition of "foreign culture". As Jesus said, "Blesses are the cheese makers.." Didn't he?
Go jollily
Paul
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